


through them

by tompolland



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Anorexia, Deep stuff, Fluff, Heavy Angst, Hopeful Ending, I had to get some feelings out, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, i love them, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2020-01-23 17:20:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18554314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tompolland/pseuds/tompolland
Summary: pretty dark fic, if you can even call it thatEliott is struggling, it’s dark, he’s lost... so much is happening and it only seems to be getting worse. But... at least Lucas is there to listen.Basically stuff I’ve written when my BPD gets really bad and I have to distract myself somehow.





	through them

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone, so a couple of things. If you haven’t read the summary... this is actually kind of a venting thing I do when I feel particularly shitty during moments where my BPD gets really bad. There’s actually another one written from Lucas’s POV (although kind of similar), so if you actually somehow enjoy reading this?? Let me know if you want the Lucas one. 
> 
> Serious stuff:  
> THIS IS VERY DARK AND HAS A LOT OF POTENTIAL TRIGGERS! It’s not too graphic but it does mention a lot of the following:  
> suicidal thoughts  
> thoughts of anorexia  
> loneliness/implied feeling of disconnection  
> thoughts of self-harm 
> 
> stay safe my loves <3  
> you are loved and you are valid

The darkness was pressing down on Eliott’s chest. But at the same time, it wrapped him up and kept him still. Yet it wrapped around his mind in such a way that would never allow him to sleep. The darkness was filled with silence, both of which were unbearable weights on his body. Just like him, an unbeatable weight for anybody. Even himself. Who could be proud of this monster? Who could be proud of an anomaly that shut everybody out and was just… disgusting. Who was only making them feel bad. Who only added an unnecessary burden.  
Disgusting. There was too much skin, too much flesh clinging to his aching bones. He hated feeling the stretch when he rubbed around his neck or when he was lying down and felt it press and expand. Yet when he tried, he tried so hard to stop eating and just drink water, don’t eat, just drink water, more water to feel full- he would eat dinner with others. Others who made sure he would be eating but he hated how it slipped down his throat. The feeling, the taste, knowing it was only adding to the problem. Eliott’s problem. But he wasn’t sure if he could make himself throw it all up without being caught. And he didn’t want to be caught.  
Being caught meant being sent somewhere. It meant his parents and friends knowing that about him and thinking that he was unstable. It meant them getting worried over one fucking stupid problem. And though they told him that they loved him, he never felt it. Never felt one bit of it. He knows it’s true, but it doesn’t feel true. The hugs are like vices that only stop him from breathing, create the tears, and make him fiddle with his fingers. Not acts of comfort. The sympathetic voices make his blood boil because he hates how they all sound sorry. They don’t need to be fucking sorry. Because if they really knew what was going on, they would only feel more sorry, probably upset with themselves, and would only watch over him more than he wanted. He just wanted to be left alone.  
Alone. Sometimes he wondered if he gave up, if he gave in, if all these problems would disappear. It would hurt everyone. And it would no doubt be terrifying but in those moments, sometimes it felt bearable. Maybe he would regret it, maybe it would hurt like hell, maybe he would be found and be in more pain and under more surveillance than before. But maybe he would break free. Maybe he would be able to stop this endless cycle of being on a fucking wheel, everything hitting him over and over again and crashing like a wave. Stop the feeling of being okay, talking a bit about things that meant nothing but was still talking, feeling that false notion of happiness. Stop crying every fucking night and feeling like he could rip at his skin until there was nothing left but a broken boy who’s bones were caked with sorrow.

Every negative thought that came into Eliott’s mind was paired with another thought. No matter what he did, someone would be suffering. Either he did it silently or someone else dealt with the aftermath. And he knew there were better ways of approaching it, but he didn’t want to wait. He wanted it all gone, all gone. Those other ways were unappealing. Tiring. And he was already so fucking tired.  
Eliott had thought about self-harm, plenty of times. Not on his arms, since spring had arrived and that meant less hoodies. Less cover. More suspicion if he did. Maybe on his hip, near his leg… but it was too close to what was really disgusting him. He couldn’t even bare to look at it. Nobody could, because Eliott Demaury was fucking horrendous to look at. Nobody wanted to know Eliott Demaury, he was too gross and disgusting and unloveable and depressing and too much of a burden.  
He never said anything because he didn’t want to be stuck in a place where they asked too many questions. It would only put him behind, and being behind would only add to the stress. It would be so much easier to just stop and not be able to be caught. To lose track of time and to just stop it all.  
But nothing could ever be easy for Eliott Demaury. Most of the world hated him too much to let him by with just a scar. No, he needed more. He deserved more. He-

“Eliott?” a small voice came from somewhere in the room. He hadn’t realized that he’d gotten out of bed and was standing in front of the window, watching the rain fall through the glass. Splattering, breaking on the surface and spreading everywhere yet joining other water droplets. Feeling the cool surface of the glass beneath his thin fingertips and tracing nothing.  
“Eliott, what’s got you awake?“  
The tall boy turned to see Lucas, shivering slightly with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders.  
“Go back to bed, mon amour,” Eliott said, giving a weak smile. “I am fine.”  
Lucas bit his lip and looked down at the floor. “But it’s cold too without you…”  
Eliott felt a twinge in his heart. Lucas could do so much better than him. If he hadn’t started this whole thought process, if he wasn’t so disgusting, if he would just stop having these-  
“Eliott? Eliott, breathe…”  
Everything was happening in brief moments, because Eliott didn’t remember falling to the floor and shaking so violently. He didn’t remember not being able to breathe, tears gushing down his cheeks and everything feeling raw, sore… he was so, so tired.  
“Mon amour…”  
Lucas was taking his cheeks in his hands and bringing their gazes together. The small boy had tears in his big, bright blue eyes. He shouldn’t be crying, he’d done nothing wrong, it wasn’t his fault. Eliott almost wished he would choke on his own sobs so he wouldn’t have to see the pain he was causing his petit hérrison. Not even his own-  
Suddenly, instead of feeling hands on his face, Eliott was aware that two arms had been wrapped around his torso and a face was buried into his chest. His hands were hovering awkwardly and he was gaping like a fish while the tears still fell. Lucas was hugging him like his life depended on it, like they were transferring oxygen to one another. Unbelievable warmth spread through his chest like someone had stabbed him, but… it didn’t hurt. He felt his muscles softening and his arms fell around the smaller boy, who was still shivering despite the warmth of the blanket and the embrace. Eliott places his fingers in Lucas’s hair and pulled him into his lap. Lucas tightened his grip and clenched his eyes shut.  
“Are you okay, Eliott? Please tell me.”  
Eliott hesitated, pressing a kiss on the top of Lucas’s head. “It’s getting better,” he replied quietly. “With you in my arms, it always will.” 

**Author's Note:**

> should there be a happy sequel with Lucas and Eliott having some quality bonding time and general softness?? please let me know <3


End file.
